dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
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I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.