I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]