Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.