If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
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Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.