[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My birth announcement for our third baby
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.