Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.