[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
WHY would you be happy about this?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.