I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Name another movie that mislead you?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please