murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
584.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?