*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
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Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
So the ex texted me
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”