The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
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(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Godspeed, John Glenn
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I was just discussing this with my cat