Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Dude just wanted a popsicle…