studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, โI thought we agreed to save money.โ
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piรฑata
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when youโre going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
As a seasoned negotiator, Iโve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before Iโll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe