My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
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rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.