Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
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Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I love art.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved