My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Every haunted house movie:
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”