Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
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The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.