[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.