JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.