i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
bought wrong eggs
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Love this one 😂🧟
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
congratulations to them
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
And bowling should be called pinball
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.