Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
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me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
BETRAYAL
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu