Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
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My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.