plums roundup
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Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
don’t be scared
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Peace was never an option
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw