OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
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HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!