As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
You Might Also Like
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
When he asks for feet pics
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot