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Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?