I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.