When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
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Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Dishonest mechanic?
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
🤭😂
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me: