If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
💁🏻♂️
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
me irl
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?