WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole