I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
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Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.