Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me sliding into hell like
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak