I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
You Might Also Like
this article brought to you by lions
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
yea so i messed up lol