1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
You Might Also Like
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.