Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
You Might Also Like
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.