#catsoftwitter
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FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.