I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
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There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
The symmetry is uncanny.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
No. YOU-buprofen.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.