joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.