If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?