Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Print is alive and well!!!
just pretend nothing happened
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?