LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
You Might Also Like
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*