“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
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14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Europe. Made in Germany.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.