Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
You Might Also Like
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Phonetics
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks