Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
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You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.