Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I support this random dude and all his protests
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”