Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
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Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks