The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
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By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.