6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
me linking you to my twitter
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Autocorrect is my menesis
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
This makes total sense…
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl