It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
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Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.