*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
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Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
listen closely
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.